so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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