I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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