so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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