we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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