Cold hands, warm shart.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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