She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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