Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
did i walk over a car last night?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
