Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
