it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
