His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
