have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
