Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize