she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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