What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
