Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
