if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
