i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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