I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
