I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
