Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize