my mouth tastes like poor choices
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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