After last night, I could never be a politician.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
