You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
