im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
