I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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