What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Randomize
