I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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