I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
