she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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