New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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