I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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