Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
