yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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