when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
