***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
