He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
