I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
