theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
