Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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