I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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