Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
