kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
