You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
