I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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