We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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