hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The Olympian is in my bed
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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