I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
