the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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