I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
