When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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