Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
