I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
