look no pants
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
