paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
you will always have a special place in my vag
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
