Her vagina should come with caution tape.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
