Pappa wants mamma naked
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
