Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just cropdusted the office
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
