I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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