I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
